Title: The Desperation Hour
Author: Dylan Shelby
Rating: PG
Keywords: V, A
Spoilers: Anything up to Charrrmed.
Summary: A reflection in the aftermath of desperation 
Author's Notes:  I was in the middle of writing the end of Unwell, and I could not stop thinking about this idea.  

The Desperation Hour:

He has finally fallen asleep cradled in my embrace. I give a small smile of triumph that he is able to let his guard down with me and sleep. He looks so vulnerable right now and that is why I won't let anything disrupt his rest. I will not allow harm to come to him while he is here and in my arms. There are so few times when he is this unguarded and I am selfish of my time with him.

I knew it had been a tough time for him, and when he came to me I was there for him. If I can give him some small comfort I will. Not that I could deny him anything. He is facing something that I can't help with, but I've been there before. When Prue died I didn't think I would survive it. The pain could be so consuming that to get past it wasn't feasible. It was during those moments of desperation that he was there for me. I would cry and scream and he would come to me. I don't know what you would call it. Making love certainly wasn't the right term, there was too much pain, and it wasn't just sex, because it meant so much more than that. I don't really have a name for the act, but I do call it the desperation hour.

The pain, guilt, and anger would flood me and I would be desperate for a diversion. His physical presence and our physical act would be an anchor for me. It would give me the diversion I so needed, and at the same time reminded me that there was someone here who loved me and hadn't abandoned me. I don't know what I would have done or become if not for him. That is why when he comes to me now I can not and will not deny him this small diversion. I know what it looks like and I know the complications of our actions, but I do not care.

No matter how hard I tried to move on from him I couldn't do it. I just got to the point where I accepted the fact that he would always hold a piece of my heart that no one else could touch. It was his and his alone. It was the same feeling I had when I was dating Dan and tried to date Greg. After all he was and is the love of my life. I know that this is how Grams felt about grandpa, how my mother felt about my father, how Prue felt about Andy, and Phoebe feels about Cole. I'm not sure if Paige has ever had this type of love before, but I do hope that if she hasn't, she will. No one should be denied it.

It is painful at times, and every so often doesn't feel worth it, but it is. There is not much I wouldn't do him. I would die to protect him and our sons. I would lie for him and ultimately I would kill whatever tried to hurt him or our family. There will never be a question of that. And I know he feels the same way. Which is a comfort and a spring of hope.

Especially now that everything has changed. Like when most major events our lives will never be the same again. Our family history is riddled with these events that change our destiny and our foundations. The first one I remember is when my father left. I can never express what that did to me. The fear and abandonment issues that I dealt with on a constant basis never truly left until Leo. Even when he became an Elder I didn't feel the fear and abandonment as bad as I had before. It could be said that it was because I was waiting for him to leave me all along, but that is not it. It's because even when he was separated from me and Wyatt physically I could always feel him. I knew that if I ever truly needed him he would be there, and he has proven that over and over again. It's why I more than welcome these moments that we have and share.

When my mom died that rocked my foundation. Not only was my father no longer there, but now the most wonderful woman in the world was gone too? It's when I think of Mom that I'm thankful about being a witch. Because even though my contact with her is limited, I am still able to have it. That is more than most, and I will never take it for granted. When Grams died the glue to our family left with her. 

Or so I thought. Sometimes it is hard to believe that we were only truly separated for six months. Becoming a witch played only second fiddle to the fact that we were finally becoming a family, joining as sisters who love one another, and that was even more marvelous than becoming witches.  It is always made me laugh that the almighty Charmed Ones were sisters first and witches second.  It made me laugh and it makes me smile that I finally have that family I thought I lost.

It was when Prue died that truly caused the most pain. Prue had been there with me for everything that happened in our lives. She knew what it meant to have mom and dad split. She knew the same loss I did when Mom died. She was my rock. She was so strong and I know at times I took advantage of her strength, but I didn't really have a choice.

Her death forced me to change everything. I could no longer take for granted that she would be there. I HAD to grow up and become stronger and more resilient that I had been in the past. I was now forced to become the oldest sister and be there for Phoebe and Paige the way that she was for me. And there are still moments to this day when I want to cry at her lost. I want to share with her everything that has happened in my life. I want to show her how strong I've become and more than anything I want to hold her in my arms again. I hold a hope deep within me, that when the right amount of time has passed that I will be able to summon her and see her again. 

It's with thoughts of her that I move slightly to get a better look at the handsome face that is sleeping on my chest. His breaths are even and he looks so peaceful. I want him to be his old self again, but Gideon's betrayal hasn't finished hurting him yet. If I could kill Gideon I would. How DARE he try to MURDER MY SON! How DARE he BETRAY not only myself and my sisters, but LEO! He has caused nothing but pain and destruction to this family and given the chance I would kick his ass. I would do almost anything to have Leo back. And I will kill and kick anyone's ass that tries to hurt him or my family.

My family is the most important thing to me. No matter what our relationship is now, or how it is going to end up I will fight for him and our family. Our sons deserve to have their father and know what an incredible man he is and I will move heaven and hell to make sure that they get that. I know that Leo will be waking soon, and I will mourn his loss, but I will take comfort in the fact that he won't be anywhere I can't get him and he will always be there for me. I love him, and no matter what he needs I will try and provide it. It is my solemn promise.

The End.